So I have like... a month before I deliver this kid.
I feel fat and sore and cranky, as well as being in a constant drain because I'm the ONLY one chasing around my daughter.
I'm leaving again for Cali.
I don't know -honestly- what is going to happen once I get there. I'm not worried about financial or medical things, those are covered...
It's the whether or not I come back thing.
I've been back up in Oregon for two, almost three months now with Jon. Definitely had its ups and downs.
And it all really boils down to needs not being met, and making good with promises and threats.
I've had this problem in the past - something that is apparent, and often gets me in trouble/used-. I have this feeling if I never make good with the threats that I make, that he's never going to get it or respect me.
It hurts a lot, because I know that I'm trying my hardest and 'doing my job' in the respects of being a good Mother and Wife. I don't ask for much, I really try my best to be understanding and patient... But the truth is: I DONT have all the time in the world to wait on him to be what I need him to be. Its heartbreaking... But I have responsibilities and priorities and dreams too.
Maybe he wont even manage both EVEN if I DO leave... Either way... Too much stress, not enough energy to deal with this train wreck right now.
Maybe things will get better once I have Nathan and the hormones pop smoke and go away. I'm 99% sure that I have Pre Postpardum Depression (lucky me right?), and the trying to get over/heal from all the affairs thing isn't helping, neither is the lack of emotional support and the being away from my family thing.
I never wanted 'Prince Charming'. I'm a realist, I understand that that sort of person just rarely ever exists... I just wanted to be married to someone who actually listens to what I'm saying to them. Someone who has some understanding of who I am as a person, someone who respects me and won't stab me in the back. Someone who feels remorse. Someone who is genuinely concerned with my mental/physical wellbeing...
Affection would be nice too. Deeper affection than just the physical stuff.
We've been together for three years now, and he doesn't even remember what my favorite color/flower is.
I know it sounds over dramatic... But it really hurts. I mean, its not like I haven't told him what they are ( Gray and Star Gazer Lily)
Going through old CD's a few days ago and I stumbled across one with old downloads and stuff on it. He had letters to Lacey -the first girl he loved- saved on it, and I couldn't help myself, I read them.
I know he's capable of Loving someone completely and with all his soul. I know he's capable of romance and conviction.
He stated "I will never -ever- love anyone as much and deeply as I love you for the rest of my life".
Those are words that you can only say to one person and mean them.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure they were never meant for me.
Believe me, I've felt love like that before. I know what it feels like to be someones world and existence. The sun they gravitate around... I know what it feels like to be wanted and beautiful and desirable.
I was once told that this person would wait their entire life for me ( Granted, we were very young and quite dumb, none the less though... It was very flattering at the time).
Fate is cruel in some ways I think. Because, it has come full circle. I could not love that person the way that they loved me.
And Jon cannot love me the way that I love him, or how I wish him to love me.
I hadn't thought about that person until this time, not a single thought at all.
I don't know where he is, or what he's doing with his life at this point... But I wish that I could apologize to him for all the pain I put him through.
The truth is: I will NEVER be Lacey.
I don't even know her aside from her pictures and some basic information that I scrounged up.
I know that she likes country music, and that her favorite color is Yellow and that we share a favorite flower (strangely enough).
I will never be her though.
I am not good at sharing what I claim as mine. I am not good at walking away from problems ( I damn near kill myself trying to fix them). I am not always calm and composed.
Truthfully, you have no idea how many times I wished I was her. Just so Jon would love me the way he loved Lacey.
But, I know that if I have to become someone that I'm not, then its really no good for either of us.
And so, I guess charma has come full circle.
Once -a long time ago- I -like Jon- hurt someone beyond repair. I walked away to preserve my freedom and acquire my happiness too. I severed bonds and started a new 'life'.
It is now that I realize that I can let go of that hatred for his choice due to my lack of understanding of why he made it. I know why he did it.
I guess all that is left is the lingering wishfulness that he had done it in a less heartbreaking and irresponsible manner.
I had hoped the growth/ life of our son would bring him back fully, and repair some of the damage in our lives.
But the more time that passes, the more I realize that it probably wont.
And even if it did, the healing wouldn't have occured for the right reasons anyhow... So it wouldn't be the way I want/need it to be.
Who knows anyway?
Time keeps passing like grains of sand in an hourglass.
MAYBE, just maybe... It will promote healing.