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So, my Mom got in contact with the hospital again.
The Doctor handling my Dad's case says that if he doesn't get better by Tuesday, that he recommends taking him off life support and letting him die.
He also said, that if we chose not to take his advice, that he's going to drop my Dad's case, because he doesn't feel there is anything he can do about it.

My Dad and Mom had already talked about situations like this, and he had said that he would never want to be kept on life support. The Doctor says that part of the issue with my Dad is that he has viral symptoms going to his brain, and they -so far- have not been able to do a thing about the toxemia.

I also learned yesterday, that the Doctors had taken him off of the morphine because it was lowering his body oxygen level. Right now, I guess its at 25%. They have him in an induced comma, with a respirator and he's being fed intravenously.

Mom talked to my Dad's family yesterday, and both his Mother and sisters both said that they believe the best thing to do is take Chuck off of life support and let him die. They also said that because of the way he looks, that my Mom shouldn't let my brothers visit him in the hospital to say goodbye.

All in all, its my Moms call/duty to go in and terminate life support for him.
She knows its what he wanted/wants... But we both think that four days of being in the hospital is long enough for one Doctor to just dismiss his case.

So, my Mom is planning on getting a second opinion, and hoping that intravenous feeding will cut down enough weight for him to be able to fit into the cat scan machine so that the Doctors will be able to properly diagnose him.

Its hard, seeing my brothers so torn up about this. It really breaks my heart.
I've never seen my Mom cry so much in my life.
I remember why I hate seeing her cry now.
It just breaks my heart.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So, my step father is in the hospital right now.
They can't diagnose him because he's too large to fit in the cat scan machine (as he is 500+lbs). They are treating him for kidney failure, and possible heart failure.
I went in and saw him yesterday, and he looked HORRID. They have him hooked up to oxygen and on a catheter, and heavily sedated.
The Doctor says he has toxemia, and that all together, that things didn't look good for him.

I'm sad, about the idea of him dying and the fact that he was in so much pain.
But at the same time, I'm more angry at him than I am sad for the situation. Because, he did this to himself, and purposely did not take care of himself. I'm angry most of all because he did it in front of my brothers, and all in all... They are the ones who will have to suffer most for his decisions.

My Mom feels really guilty about the whole thing. Which, to me... Doesn't make much sense, since she didn't make his choices for him, and there is nothing she could/can do to change the situation.

Its strange to see her feel guilty in matters of my step father, because in all honesty... She doesn't love him. They stayed together for the sake of my brothers, and because he really couldn't take care of himself.

I don't know how I feel right now. I am angry at him for some things, but not the things I thought that I would be angry at him for.

I sat by his side yesterday, and told him that I love him. He kept apologizing, and babbling incoherently, and so I said I forgave him for the incidents that occurred between us when I was a kid.

I thought that I'd be relieved that he's dying, because for the longest time I HATED him. So much.

But I don't hate him. Not at all.

It was weird to have Thanksgiving without him, I kept looking back at the couch, expecting him to be there like he always is, piping in with some comment that is generally annoying but loving in the same right. But he wasn't, and the TV wasn't on, and my Mom wasn't bickering with him... It just sort of threw me through a loop.

Its hard.
We emailed his Sister yesterday and let her know what was happening. I haven't heard back yet, which makes me sad because none of his family stays in touch with him. I guess its his fault that they don't talk... But still, I feel like they should at least be there to see him out to the end.

I talked to my step brother yesterday too, he was frank and said that he didn't care about his Father, but was worried about my Mom and brothers.

Its strange, and I worry if its cruel... But looking at it from the perspective of cutting ones losses... My Mom and the boys wont come out of this any worse for wear, financially of course. Emotionally, there will be damage... But they will be able to survive without him.

The only thing on my mind about this is how cruel it seems to me, that the hospital wont let my brothers see their Dad at this point because they are under the age of 16.
He could die any minute now... And they would never get to say goodbye.

That's screwed up in my oppinion.

I am not good at dealing with the subject of death I think.
When my Grandfather died, I felt nothing but numbness.
And I feel the same way now.

I've cried, but somehow I feel like I should be crying more about it.
He hasn't been the best of Fathers, but even so... He was more of a Father to me than my blood Father was.
 
 
 
 
 
 
So Step Mom calls.
She bitches about my Dad, tells me that my Brother is continuously going to school unwashed and smelling of cat urine.
Bitches about how she's losing weight and how the Doctor has prescribed her Zantax.
Tells me that the school called CPS on my Dad, and she is worried that my little Brother will be put into state care.
Says that she doesn't know what to do, that Steven -little brother- has said that he wants to stick with Dad til he's thirteen -about six months from now-.

Asks ME what she should do.
So, I tell her " You need to do what you think is right with Steven. He's a teenager, he doesn't know what is best for him, he has a bit of trouble understanding these things because of his condition -aspergers-, and he needs to be monitored closely and sometimes even forced to keep proper hygiene (as he apparently hates brushing his teeth and bathing)".

She whines some more. Says that if Steven moves in with her, that she doesn't know if she can keep interacting with the family ( I'm not sure if she's meaning my grandparents/uncles/aunts/cousins and such, or my sister and I...).

I get off the phone with her.

Two hours later, my Dad calls.
His first question is if I told my Step Mom to come take my Brother from his house and take custody.
I say no, because that is NOT what I told her at all.

More excuses on both of their parts.
Its so immature. They fight like children, and sling mud at eachother. They said that they would stop, because it is so uncomfortable for me to handle... But it hasn't stopped, not in the nearly three years that they've been divorced. DIVORCED.
The two aren't even married or living with each other any more, and all I hear is constant scrutiny.

I'm regretting giving my phone number out to either of them.

What am I supposed to do? I can't take my Brother in, I don't have the space or funds to do so. I don't have the funds to make space or be able to take care of him.

I'm just not going to answer the phone from them for a few days in the least.

Why can't my parents act like parents and not snot nosed children?
Why do they constantly lay the stress at my feet, its not like I don't have enough of it my myself.
Ugh.

I just needed to rant.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Yup!
I am officially editing an erotic novel.
Its for a friend of the family, and he's paying me a buck a page...
But, I still feel really awesome about it!
Yay for gainful employment!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 So, aside from the constant having to waste my cell minutes to remind Jon to call his daughter/get his son put into Dears and covered by the insurance... Things are going moderately well for me.

I just got my study guide for the postal exam in the mail and I've been reading up on that. I have yet to figure out when they are giving the exam... But I'm sure I'll be pretty well prepared when that comes around.

I had planned to apply for the post office in town -about two miles from my house- and just ride my bike up to work... But apparently the concept that its wrong to sell other peoples belongings doesn't phase some people - I AM speaking of my ex husband-. Needless to say, he has promised me a new bike... Jerk. 

Which brings me to another common theme. 
So, while on the phone with him a few days ago, he up and says "... I'm thinking I'm going to move out there soon".
Ha! Like I haven't heard this before... Oh, wait... I HAVE. At least three times before now.
I wanted to point that out, but instead I said  :"Thats nice. It'll make it much easier for you to come visit the KIDS". Emphasizing the fact that he'd be visiting our children... And NOT me.

I still find it extremely hilarious that he should once again say that he's moving out to Cali to :"Be with his daughter".

So... I guess we'll see how this goes.
I'm pretty sure its going to turn out how I think it will.

On another note.
Stinky Monster #1 and 2 are doing great.
Little man caught a cold, he's all congested. He has an icky cold in his eye too.
Vik has quit taking naps and has entered the terrible two's. She's lucky she's so cute -and I love her so much- or I might've already sold her to the circus for a nickle.

I'm still not getting much sleep. But, I'm starting to handle it better now.


 
 
 
 
 
 
 So, I went to the store yesterday -unaccompanied by children for like the first time in... Wow a month :) -.
I was shopping with my friend Nicole and this guy walked up to me.

He was totally chatting me up. 
It was flattering in a sort of made me nervous sort of way.
Surprised the hell out of me, I'm only a week and a half post pregnant...
He asked for my number...

And I decided that I should give the poor guy a break.
I told him that I had two kids, and that my youngest is just now turning a week and half old.
Hey, that is an important bit of information you know? If a guy is NOT okay with the fact that I have kids, then he'll just have to hit the road... Because I DO have kids -two of them, and they are damn beautiful too- and they are a thousand, million times more important to me than dating.
( I joke that I already have a man in my life. He's nineteen and a half inches long, worships my boobs and thinks I'm the most beautiful woman in the world :) ).

Suddenly he wasn't as interested as he was before.

Strangely I wasn't disapointed with this - he was cute and all-. The idea of 'getting back on the horse' is really foriegn and unwelcome at the moment.
It was nice to be told I was cute though. :)

Another amusing note...
I accidently texted Jon yesterday with a coffee invite meant for my friend.
It was a slightly flirty text that was obviously a joke between us - as we are both female and have children-.
So... Yeah, besides now knowing that my boobs look fantastic -which they do ;P - he thought I was trying to pick up on him.

Heh... I was feeling a little catty, and nearly responded with a few mean replies... But ultimately bit my tongue.
Almost.... ALMOST said : "Sorry Kid, I only ask out people I actually want to spend time with".  Or  :"Generally I only ask people I like out on dates".
Responded with: " Well, that would be silly of me, considering that you live in Oregon. If you'd like though, you can wait for me at the Dutch Bros on the corner... I wouldn't hold my breath on the me showing up at seven thing however".

I have now learned to never send a text on my phone using the 'recent call option'.

Ugh.
Toxic niceness.
I'm infected. I can't get rid of it.

Sometimes I want to be so mean...
But I really don't want to be known as the 'Bitchy Ex Wife'.
Seriously...
I'd rather be known as the one who walked away from the relationship as opposed to some pycho, fire breathing, reptilian wretch.

I used to be so worried what people would think of me if I walked away from him. Because, he said some really really terrible things about me ( Only some of which were true LOL ).

It doesn't really matter anymore -however- because all the people of importance have figured him out.





 
 
 
 
 
 
 So...
I ended it AGAIN.

This relationship was too much to deal with in light of my new circumstances.
For everything I did to fix it, he was right behind me doing something else to destroy it.

And, I just couldn't take it anymore.

The night before I ended it he was at the Bar with his new friend 'Lumber Jack Jake'. 
I'm at home with our new son, gorged, tired as hell and sick with something that I would liken to pnemonia. Wasting my minutes on this cheap - but extremely over charging- cell phone because his flakey ass wont even call me to ask if I was okay, or if I had even been released from the hospital.
He didn't even know his son's birthday or middle name. I was so sick with rage that it was hard to speak straight and not scream the entire time.
Then he kept hanging up.

I realised something that next morning. A completely monumental concept.
I am not in LOVE with who he is. Or even, the things that he does.
I am in LOVE with who he used to be, and what we used to have. Because, those things were beautiful. They always will be.

I don't want to ever come to the point of hating him. So, I ended it before I felt nothing but negativity towards him.
We've worked out how we're going to work together for the children. I'm getting complete physical custody and we'll have joint legal custody. He's already started sending money to support the children - a relief, because I've been supporting them by myself for wow... Almost a month now-.


He swore that he loved us all. And, once again he apologized for causing me pain.
I apologized too, for forcing him to be someone that he wasn't . It never was my intention.

Its hard though, watching the person you love with all your heart, become someone that you don't even recognize.

I'm not going to lie. I think about him constantly. I miss him. I wish things had turned out differently.

Maybe he does too.
Suddenly he's writing me emails. He says he misses our daughter and wants to meet our son. He says he plans to visit as soon as he can.

I know its better for me to keep this cord clipped this time. 
But, foolishly... I hope that he does miss me.
I hope that he will get his act together.

Completely foolish.
I've waited a whole year for that already.

I'm masochistic.
And I'm afraid that I'll fall into the same cycle again.
: /



 
 
 
 
 
 
 He was born on the 6th.
He's 7 1/2 lbs in weight and 19 1/2 inches long.
He has light brown hair and stormy blue eyes.

Absolutely perfect.
:)
 
 
 
 
 
 
 Dear Jon,
God knows I love you more that I should. 
God knows I've sacraficed to be with you.
God knows I've faced disapointment after disapointment and STILL tried to work things out with you.

You knew I was supposed to deliver Nathanael within the week. You knew I was going through contractions. You knew he was coming...
But, still...
I couldn't get ahold of you when I needed to hear your voice most. Your phone was off.

I ask you why it was off, and you don't even have a decent explanation. It was off because you were hanging out with 'Jake'.
Okay, so... This proves to me that you really love and care about us? That you can cut off contact with your pregnant/two inches from delivering the baby Wife, so that you won't be disturbed while you hang out with your 'Lumber jack' friend.

I'm not stupid.
You probably cheated AGAIN.

What?
It wasn't enough that you cheated on me SIX times. Had a pregnancy scare with one of the girls, because -like a dumb ass- you weren't using protection.
THEN, knowing that you were fucking around, had unprotected sex with me... While I was pregnant, without thinking you could've gotten me infected with  an STD or something.
Yet - the patient person, and obviously loving wife that I am- I STILL decided to work things out with you.
Vik/Nathan/ and I are NOT accessories to your appartment/lifestyle. We are people. We deserve to be treated that way.
You're right. I don't know how we're going to work this out. You refuse to come to Cali. I'm NOT moving up to Oregon again. Obviously your school is your priority... And hey, I'm not going to waste the energy condoning you for that. Its your choice.



But, the thing you need to understand is that once you make your choice, you have to live with it.

Jon...
Grow up.
Do you honestly think that you are going to 'Get' Vik?
Do you really think 'taking' her is what is best for her? Just so that you can plop her into daycare ALL day, and keep her from her family who loves and cares for her? 
Just so you can pay attention to her when you WANT to. Like always.
I get it, you love her.
She loves you too.
And I love you so much it hurts...
But, we are adults... And I think we both know what the right choice is.
You KNOW she's better off with me. She always has been.

I definately don't have time to waste waiting for you to walk this path with me.
So child support and physical custody is the route I'm going with you.
You may think I'm being cruel. But I'm not doing it to hurt you.
I'm doing it because its the only way I can take care of these babies.
I'm doing it because obviously I have to be the responsible one.

I love you more than you know.
I wish you understood what that meant.

Maybe one day you'll understand that the conversations that I kept trying to have with you were important, and that they could've fixed things if you had actually sat there and listened.
 
 
 
 
 
 
Ugh.
So I have like... a month before I deliver this kid.
I feel fat and sore and cranky, as well as being in a constant drain because I'm the ONLY one chasing around my daughter.

I'm leaving again for Cali.
I don't know -honestly- what is going to happen once I get there. I'm not worried about financial or medical things, those are covered...

It's the whether or not I come back thing.

I've been back up in Oregon for two, almost three months now with Jon. Definitely had its ups and downs.
And it all really boils down to needs not being met, and making good with promises and threats.

I've had this problem in the past - something that is apparent, and often gets me in trouble/used-. I have this feeling if I never make good with the threats that I make, that he's never going to get it or respect me.

It hurts a lot, because I know that I'm trying my hardest and 'doing my job' in the respects of being a good Mother and Wife. I don't ask for much, I really try my best to be understanding and patient... But the truth is: I DONT have all the time in the world to wait on him to be what I need  him to be. Its heartbreaking... But I have responsibilities and priorities and dreams too.

Maybe he wont even manage both EVEN if I DO leave... Either way... Too much stress, not enough energy to deal with this train wreck right now.

Maybe things will get better once I have Nathan and the hormones pop smoke and go away. I'm 99% sure that I have Pre Postpardum Depression (lucky me right?), and the trying to get over/heal from all the affairs thing isn't helping, neither is the lack of emotional support and the being away from my family thing.

I never wanted 'Prince Charming'. I'm a realist, I understand that that sort of person just rarely ever exists... I just wanted to be married to someone who actually listens to what I'm saying to them. Someone who has some understanding of who I am as a person, someone who respects me and won't stab me in the back. Someone who feels remorse. Someone who is genuinely concerned with my mental/physical wellbeing...

Affection would be nice too. Deeper affection than just the physical stuff.

We've been together for three years now, and he doesn't even remember what my favorite color/flower is.
I know it sounds over dramatic... But it really hurts. I mean, its not like I haven't told him what they are ( Gray and Star Gazer Lily)

Going through old CD's a few days ago and I stumbled across one with old downloads and stuff on it. He had letters to Lacey -the first girl he loved- saved on it, and I couldn't help myself, I read them.

I know he's capable of Loving someone completely and with all his soul. I know he's capable of romance and conviction.
He stated "I will never -ever- love anyone as much and deeply as I love you for the rest of my life".
Those are words that you can only say to one person and mean them.
Unfortunately, I'm pretty sure they were never meant for me.

Believe me, I've felt love like that before. I know what it feels like to be someones world and existence. The sun they gravitate around... I know what it feels like to be wanted and beautiful and desirable.
I was once told that this person would wait their entire life for me ( Granted, we were very young and quite dumb, none the less though... It was very flattering at the time).

Fate is cruel in some ways I think. Because, it has come full circle. I could not love that person the way that they loved me.
And Jon cannot love me the way that I love him, or how I wish him to love me.
I hadn't thought about that person until this time, not a single thought at all. 
I don't know where he is, or what he's doing with his life at this point... But I wish that I could apologize to him for all the pain I put him through.

The truth is: I will NEVER be Lacey.
I don't even know her aside from her pictures and some basic information that I scrounged up.
I know that she likes country music, and that her favorite color is Yellow and that we share a favorite flower (strangely enough).

I will never be her though.
I am not good at sharing what I claim as mine. I am not good at walking away from problems ( I damn near kill myself trying to fix them). I am not always calm and composed.

Truthfully, you have no idea how many times I wished I was her. Just so Jon would love me the way he loved Lacey.
But, I know that if I have to become someone that I'm not, then its really no good for either of us.
And so, I guess charma has come full circle.
Once -a long time ago- I -like Jon- hurt someone beyond repair. I walked away to preserve my freedom and acquire my happiness too. I severed bonds and started a new 'life'.

It is now that I realize that I can let go of that hatred for his choice due to my lack of understanding of why he made it. I know why he did it.
I guess all that is left is the lingering wishfulness that he had done it in a less heartbreaking and irresponsible manner.

I had hoped the growth/ life of our son would bring him back fully, and repair some of the damage in our lives.
But the more time that passes, the more I realize that it probably wont.
And even if it did, the healing wouldn't have occured for the right reasons anyhow... So it wouldn't be the way I want/need it to be.

Who knows anyway?

Time keeps passing like grains of sand in an hourglass.
MAYBE, just maybe... It will promote healing.